Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Okay, I have realized that my biggest fear is of my mom dying. When I listened to Shania Twain singing, "there's nowhere but up from here!" in my mind I'm thinking, "Oh lady you are so wrong! There is a lot further down to go!" When I heard a friend say "bring it on" I think "uh-oh!"
"Things could be worse" seems to be my motto these days.
I have got to get over my fear, because she really *is* going to die sometime. I'm just worried about how I will react.
If I haven't told you before, or if you haven't realized it on your own, I dwell on things. I dwell on it until I figure it out. I'm all about solutions and resolutions. I like to *do* something about the problem. I like it fixed.
But I'm not sure how to fix this. I'm not sure how to pysche myself into being ok when my mom dies. I'm not sure how to not flip out (which I did tonight) when I feel like my mom isn't being treated right. I'm not sure how to be ok with her losing strength and seeming to be giving up the fight. But I know I need to do something other than shout at her (which I also did tonight). Fear is ruling me and I can't let it be that powerful. I need to be able to put things in God's hands and let it be. But that soooo goes against how I do things!
Anyway, thanks for letting me lie on your couch a while. If you have any good suggestions or insights I'd love to hear them.
One nice thing just happened that I have to share with you, though. My windchime that I love, that has been outside of hearing distance for the past several months, the windchime that I moved back by my window yesterday, is chiming its beautiful tune. A gentle breeze is cascading down from the canyon, caressing my windchime and being the impetus to some beautiful music. Just the thing to calm my soul.
Thanks for listening.