Dark and Twisted; Things to Do Today

This morning I was talking to Steve about my mother, when to show up at the hospital so that we can help her with her living will, etc. etc. etc.

I then said, "You know, someday I'll be going through all of this again with *your* parents." To which he replied, "Well, just don't get so attached this time." then he laughed. And I retorted that *that* is going to be my new attitude with our kids. Them: "Mom, I love you." Me: "Don't get too attached! I'm going to die someday."

Okay, so we are a little dark and twisted in our humor occasionally, but at least we try to find something to laugh about.

I decided to write my mom a note, explaining how I feel about things since I'm afraid I'll cry if I try to tell her in words. Anyway, here is the note:

Mom,

I want to always be here for you, no matter what. And I want to be just what you need at the time: giving different things at different times.

This living will thing is different than anything I’ve ever done before. I want you to know that I love you, and when you are gone I will miss you deeply, but that I don’t want you to prolong your life just to keep from feeling guilty about moving on and leaving me and the rest behind.

I want you to answer the questions honestly. I want you to live the life you want to live, not the life that you think I want you to live. So while I’ll help you think over anything you need to, I want the decision to ultimately be yours, because you will be living it and I don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, physically, mentally, or emotionally.

I had to write it down rather than say it because I didn’t know if I could get it out without tears, but it is truly how I feel.

I love you!
Mel

So this will be my day today. Not exactly what I'd like to be doing. I've got on my big girl panties though, and I'll try to be strong. Talk to you tomorrow.