Mid-life::Madeleine L'Engle quote::July 8

I've been reading Madeleine L'Engle's book A Circle of Quiet. Today, I came across a passage that really touched me and made sense on a deep level.

Jung disagreed with Freud that the decisive period in our lives is the first years. Instead, Jung felt that the decisive period is that in which my husband and I are now, the period of our middle years, when we have passed through childhood with its dependency on our parents; when we've weathered the storms of adolescence and the first probings into the ultimate questions; when we've gone through early adulthood with its problems of career and marriage and bringing up our babies; and for the first time in our lives find ourselves alone before the crucial problem of who, after all these years, we are. All the protective covering of the first three stages is gone, and we are suddenly alone with ourselves and have to look directly at the great and unique problem of the meaning of our own particular existence in this particular universe.

I believe it would be the period of time in which we have our "mid-life crisis". It is when we look at our lives and what we've made of it and think that this is the best it's ever going to be.

I think it is an illusion, by the way. Yes, our bodies will only creak and groan a little more from here on out, but as long as we keep thinking, keep our minds open, and keep gaining wisdom, we're just getting started. Here's to the second half of the journey!

♥

Ram Dass Quote::Our Independence Day::July 5

I got this pic from Zen to Zany on facebook. What a great reminder!!

Truth can be found everywhere and from everyone - no one has a monopoly on it. Ram Dass worships Krishna and is a well known singer in the Hindu culture. My son, Jared, has quoted him in his Christian Sunday School class. :)

I hope that you can enjoy your day, full of love for all people who are as diverse as the trees in the forest. ♥

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On another note: as you know, yesterday was Independence Day for us here in the US. Steve, Matt, Michael, Emily and I went to Steve's (paternal side of the family) family reunion. It was great for me to visit with his cousin Tiffany, and Emily loved getting to know her cousin, Tiffany's daughter, Celeste. I loved being with cousins as a kid and love that we can pass that on to our children.

We had a bar-b-que and pot luck, visited, and then later watched the fireworks from the deck of the house. We were very spoiled! I think we had the best view of the fireworks in the area! Steve's cousin, Edith, purchased and built a house where the grandparents' old house used to be. The old house had many problems and was eventually condemned as hazardous. Edith's new home is beautiful and the view amazing! I'm so glad that the land got to stay in the family.

♥

Quote by Madeleine L'Engle::About Failure::July 2

_A Circle of Quiet_ is one of my favorite books. Madeleine L'Engle speaks in such a way that resonates with my whole being.

As I was just reading page 38, I came upon this:

I could, during the long years of failure, console myself with the fact that van Gogh sold precisely one picture while he lived, and that he was considered an impossible painter. I could try to reassure my agent when he was concerned about the damaging effect on me of so much failure; he was afraid it would kill my talent. Can this happen? I don't know, I just don't know.

I think that all artists, regardless of degree of talent, are a painful paradoxical combination of certainty and uncertainty, of arrogance and humility, constantly in need of reassurance, an yet with a stubborn streak of faith in their validity, no matter what. When I look back on that decade of total failure - it's been a mixture, both before, and since - there was even on the days of rejection slips, a tiny, stubborn refusal to be completely put down. And I think, too and possibly most important, that there is a faith simply in the validity of art; when we talk about ourselves as being part of the company of such people s Mozart or van Gogh or Dostoevsky, it has nothing to do with comparisons, or pitting talent against talent; it has everything to do with a way of looking at the universe. My husband said, "But people might think you're putting yourself alongside Dostoevsky." The idea is so impossible that I can only laugh in incredulity. Dostoevsky is a giant; I look up to him; I sit at his feet; perhaps I will be able to learn something from him. But we do face the same direction, no matter how giant his stride, how small mine.

During that dreadful decade I pinned on my workroom wall a cartoon in which a writer, bearing a rejected manuscript, is dejectedly leaving a publisher's office; the caption says, "We're very sorry, Mr. Tolstoy, but we aren't in the market for a war story right now." That cartoon got me through some bad hours. It didn't mean that I was setting myself beside Tolstoy.

♥

In Praise of the Inner Crone::by Elizabeth Gilbert:: May 14

I loved this story so much that I wanted to place it somewhere others can learn from it, and I can find it from time to time when I need it most. Amazing!

IN PRAISE OF THE INNER CRONE!
written by Elizabeth Gilbert
Elizabeth Gilbert fb page
also found at:

Elizabeth Gilbert blog


OK, we all know about the "inner child", right? The innocent being who still lives inside of us, who needs and deserves love and care, and whom we sometimes have to channel in order to learn self-compassion?

I'm a big fan of the notion of the inner child. It can be a really healing construct. Once, when I was going through a particularly dark season of self-loathing, I taped a sweet photo of myself (age 2) on my mirror, and taught myself that any harm I did to me, I also did to HER. It made me kinder and more tender to myself. Imagining other people's inner children makes me kinder and more tender to them.

So the Inner Child is a good thing.

These days, though, I spend less time thinking about my Inner Child lately, and more time focused on my INNER CRONE — the old lady who lives inside me, whom I hope to someday be.

Because she's a serious bad-ass.

The really old ladies always are bad-asses. I'm talking about the real survivors. The women who have been through everything already, so nothing scares them anymore. The ones who have already watched the world fight itself nearly to death a dozen times over. The ones who have buried their dreams and their loved ones and lived through it. The ones who have suffered pain and lived through it, and who have had their innocence challenged by ten thousand appalling assaults...and who lived through all of it.

The world is a frightening place. But you simply cannot frighten The True Crone.

Some might consider the word "crone" to be derogatory, but I don't in the least. I honor it. The crone is a classic character from myth and folklore, and she often the bearer of great wisdom and supernatural power. She is sometimes a guardian to the underworld. She has tremendous vision, even if she is blind. She has no fear of death, which means: NO FEAR.

I keep a wall of photos of some of my favorite crones, for inspiration. The photo below is of a Ukrainian Babushka who lives in (get this) Chernobyl. There are a group of such women — all tough elderly peasants — who have all recently moved back to the radioactive area around Chernobyl.

You know why they live there? Because they like it.

They like Chernobyl because that's where they came from. They are natural-born farmers. They hated being refugees.They resented being shunted off their land after the catastrophe. They hated living in the shabby and crime-infiltrated and stress-inducing government housing in the city, and they much prefer the independence of living off the land in the most contaminated nuclear site on earth. They have formed a stupendously resilient retirement community there, in what some would call the world's most terrifying landscape.

Is it safe? Of course not. Or, whatever. After 90 years of hard living, what does "safe" even mean? They drink the water. These women plant vegetables in that radioactive soil and eat them. They butcher the wild pigs that scavenge around the old nuclear power plant, and eat them, too. Their point is: "We are old. What do have to fear from radioactivity? At this age? Who cares?"

All they want is their freedom. So they take care of themselves and each other. They cut and haul their own wood. They make their own vodka. They get together and drink and laugh about the hardships of World War II and the evils of the Stalin years. They laugh about everything, then they go outside and butcher another radioactive boar and make sausage out of him.

I would put these women in a Bad-Ass Contest against any cocky young alleged Bad Ass you've got going, and I guarantee you — the Chernobyl crones would win, hands down.

We live in a society that romanticizes youth. We live in a culture where youth is considered a real accomplishment. You look at a seriously powerful classic crone like the woman in this photo and you see foolish we are — to imagine that the young offer much for us to aspire to, or learn from. No wisdom like the wisdom of survival. No equanimity like the equanimity of somebody who plants a garden right on top of a nuclear disaster and gets on with it.

So these days, when my Inner Child gets all fluttery with the panic of living, I just ask myself: " WWMICD?"

"What Would My Inner Crone Do?"

Ask yourself that same question. See what she tells you.

One thing I can promise you she will never say? She will never say: "WORRY.

She will more likely tell you this: "ENDURE."

Hang in there, all you future awesome crones!
LG

Learning something new::From Brene Brown's book, _Daring Greatly_::Subject~Vulnerability and Fear

I've been reading Brene Brown's books and watching her TED talks.

As I was reading "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" last night, this excerpt really struck me, and I wanted to share it:

I looked right at her and said, “I frickin’ hate vulnerability.” I figured she’s a therapist - I’m sure she’s had tougher cases. Plus, the sooner she knows what she’s dealing with, the faster we can get this whole therapy thing wrapped up. “I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing. I can’t stand opening myself to getting hurt or being disappointed. It’s excruciating. Vulnerability is complicated. And it’s excruciating. Do you know what I mean?"

Diana nods. “Yes I know vulnerability. I know it well. It’s an exquisite emotion.” Then she looks up and kind of smiles, as if she’s picturing something really beautiful. I’m sure I look confused because I can’t imagine what she’s picturing. I’m suddenly concerned for her well-being and my own.

“I said it was excruciating, not exquisite,” I point out. “And let me say this for the record, if my research didn’t link being vulnerable with living a wholehearted life, I wouldn’t be here. I hate how it makes me feel.”

“What does it feel like?”

“Like I’m coming out of my skin. Like I need to fix whatever’s happening and make it better.”

“And if you can’t?”

“Then I feel like punching someone in the face.”

“And do you?"

“No. Of course not.”

“So what do you do?”

“Clean the house. Eat peanut butter. Blame people. Make everything around me perfect. Control whatever I can-whatever’s not nailed down.”

“When do you feel the most vulnerable?”

“When I am in fear.” I look up as Diana responds with that annoying pause and head nodding done by therapists to draw us out. “When I’m anxious and unsure about how things are going to go, or if I’m having a difficult conversation, or if I’m trying something new or doing something that makes me uncomfortable or opens me up to criticism or judgment.” Another annoying pause as the empathetic nodding continues. “When I think about how much I love my kids and Steve, and how my life would be over if something happened to them. When I see the people I care about struggling, and I can’t fix it or make it better. All I can do is be with them.”

“I see”

I feel it when I’m scared that things are too good. Or too scary. I’d really like for it to be exquisite, but right now it’s just excruciating. Can people change that?”

“Yes, I believe they can.”

“Can you give me some homework or something? Should I review the data?”

"No data and gold stars in here. Less thinking. More feeling.”

“Can I get to exquisite without having to feel really vulnerable in the process?

“No”

“Well, shit. That’s just awesome."

.....

I have spent my entire life trying to outrun and outsmart vulnerability. I'm a fifth-generation Texan with a family motto of "lock and load," so I come by my aversion to uncertainty and emotional exposure honestly (and genetically). By middle school, which is the time when most of us begin to wrestle with vulnerability, I began to develop and hone my vulnerability-avoidance skills.

Over time I tried everything from "the good girl" with my "perform-ferfect-please" routine, to clove-smoking poet, angry activist, corporate climber, and out-of-control party girl. At first glace these may seem like reasonable, if not predictable, developmental stages, but they were more than that for me. All of my stages were different suits of armor that kept me from becoming too engaged and too vulnerable. Each strategy was built on the same premise: Keep everyone at a safe distance and always have an exit strategy.

All of this is still liquid in my head. I'm waiting for it to gel before I discuss it.... Until then, I'll let you think on it too :)

♥

Croning Ceremony Article::January 6

I saw a link this on facebook from the Wild Woman Sisterhood page and wanted to ensure I could find it again when I was ready. You know, line when I need my own Croning Ceremony. :) Take a look at this:

Picture: Claudette Adjodha
https://www.facebook.com/WildWomanSisterhood

In Ancient times, older women were the keepers of primal Mysteries and were revered for their special wisdom.

It's Time to give our Elders back the credits and respect they deserve.

Clad in purple, surrounded by memorabilia, Linda Sanda stood in her Urbandale, Iowa, dining room and talked about turning 50. About 40 close friends, co-workers and family members came to mark the occasion. But there were no mocking black balloons or teasing "You're Over the Hill'' banners.

This was a Croning Ceremony, designed to invoke Spiritual reflection, dignity and wisdom. An Ancient Rite de Passage to Honor older women, Croning Ceremonies had become nearly extinct. But they are making a comeback. And they're going mainstream.

With the oldest baby boomers turning 50 this year, many women are evaluating what it means to stand on the threshold of old age. For some women, Croning Ceremonies serve as an ideal way to make a statement about that passage. "I see so many people fighting the aging process,'' says Sandra Bury, another Des Moines-area woman who went through the Ritual. "I wanted to celebrate that to become old is a gift. I didn't want to be afraid of it.''

The rising interest in Croning Ceremonies also reflects a larger movement to reassert the value of older women, according to the book: Woman of Ages, Celebrating Ourselves.

In Ancient Times, she says, old women were known as Crones. They held Power and enjoyed status as "the Healers, the Mediators, the Wise of the Communities.'' Gradually, that Power and recognition were lost. In modern times, the old woman has become nearly invisible, pushed aside and forgotten.
"We don't listen to her. We shut her up,'' Only a few groups - blacks, Native Americans, Asians - Honor old women.

To recapture the value of becoming a Crone, the Feminist Spiritual Community of Portland, Maine, began holding Crone Rituals in the early 1980s. "Since the patriarchy isn't going to value old women, we celebrate ourselves. It's becoming quite widespread,'' says Ward, now 67 and a member of the Portland group. She had her Croning Ceremony in 1990. More recently, the Crones Council was formed, drawing women from all over the USA. Last year, about 300 women attended Crones Council III in Scottsdale, Ariz., says Ann Kreilkamp, 53, a member of the council and editor of The Crone Chronicles - A Journal of Conscious Aging. As a result, crone groups are forming all over the country. Circulation of Kreilkamp's journal also testifies to the growing interest. Started six years ago with 100 copies sent to friends, The Crone Chronicles now has 10,000 subscribers. The quarterly journal, published in Kelly, Wyo., dedicates itself to "re-activating the archetype of the Crone within contemporary Western culture.'' The magazine typically prints one Crone Ritual every issue, she adds. But nothing about the Ceremony is prescribed. Many women write their own, though books of Crone Rituals are now available. And there is no preferred setting. The Rituals can be done at home, in a church or outdoors. They can last 10 minutes or go on for days and include lavish feasting. Women often wear purple, the color associated with old age and wisdom.

There is also no set time to hold a Crone Ceremony. Some women wait until after menopause or when they turn 56 - a significant point in the astrological world. In all cases, the Rite de Passage carries individual meaning. For Linda Sanda, the ceremony acknowledged the troubled waters she had crossed in her life. For Sandra Bury, 61, who had hercroning at 56, it was a celebration of old age. For Maureen Barton-Wicks, 53, of Des Moines, it was a way to publicly commit her life to God and acknowledge her Wisdom.

"I wanted to say to the world, `I'm proud of who I am, and I claim the Crone in me,' '' Barton-Wicks says.

For these three women, preparation was intense. Each spent months reading, writing and reviewing events in her life. Bury, a Des Moines school counselor, says the power of the Croning Ceremony was more in writing it than going through it. For Barton-Wicks, reliving various events "was horrendous,'' she recalls. What's more, it was hard work. She revised her Ceremony seven times before she was satisfied. Barton-Wicks had her Coning during the regular Sunday service at her church. No meal or celebration followed. "To me, it's a Sacred Ceremony. It's not a birthday party. That was enough for me,'' she says. Bury's ceremony, held at the church with a few relatives and friends, took about 15 minutes and didn't cost anything. A former harp teacher, Bury wrote a chant that everyone sang. She brought objects from home that had been important in her life.

Sanda, who directs community education programs for the West Des Moines public schools, wanted a celebration in addition to a Ceremony. She sent invitations and had a buffet supper in her home. She had been a nun for 13 years, and she says she struggled for years with feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty about her relationship with God and the desire to marry and have children. Now she's married to a former priest and the mother of two. She says the Croning Ceremony felt like a coming out after years of trauma.

What does a woman gain from a Croning Ceremony?

Five years after Bury had hers, she feels vigorous and joyful about her age. "Right now, I'm thinking about what my next careers will be. I hear people talk about feeling burned out. But I'm just getting started,'' she says. Two years after Barton-Wicks' ceremony, she is studying to be a minister. "I'm allowing myself to be led by spirit, rather than ego. And today, I appreciate my fears. They're only trying to protect me,'' she says. As a bonus, she says, "I no longer feel life is too short or I am too old.''

Since Sanda's Ceremony a year ago, life has been richer and more joyful. "I've had some real healing experiences. I still get mad at things. I have a teen-age son who's challenging. But I know he can teach me.'' And what's even more important, she says: "Instead of feeling as though I'm fighting life, I feel as though I'm one with life.''

I love it. I want to love growing older and focus on the benefits of the beauty and wisdom of an older woman, not pine for the days when my breasts and behind were perkier, my stomach flatter, and my skin smoother. I feel like age is a luxury not all get to bask in. So, for me, I will see the grey in my hair as silver highlights and the crows feet as souvenirs of good times in my life. ♥

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