In the Stars . . .

This post feels heavy to me, but let me lie down on your sofa for a moment - 

My dad's death has felt so differently than my mom that I've felt like I'm grieving all wrong . . . 

My relationship with my dad was a long-distance relationship since the age of 13 when my mom and I moved 6 hours away from my dad. I saw him in the summers when he'd pick me up and take me to his house where he lived with his new family. He'd take a week off of work so we could go to family reunion, but to really spend undivided time together, we didn't, so songs like "Daddy's Hands" by the Judds and other "daddy" songs didn't really bring on a visceral response because it just wasn't our relationship.

"I Love" by  Tom T Hall is the song that I always listened to that reminded me of my dad's soft side, and "I Don't Need Your Rocking Chair" by George Jones reminded me of my dad's spunky nature. I listened to both of those after my dad passed and got a tear in my eye . . . 

But before this past Saturday, (Nov. 16th) I hadn't had a moment where the thought of his dying took the breath out of me. Saturday was our family's Thanksgiving celebration, and my daughter had the grandkids sing, "In the Stars" by Benson Boone because their voices are beautiful and they'd all sung it in her car when it came on the radio and she wanted to have us all hear. While they were singing, I had to leave the dining room - I went to the kitchen and remind myself to breathe. After everyone was gone, I played the song again and the tears flowed. 

Regarding the passing of my dad -

 

Being the baby of one family and the middle child of another is an interesting place to be.

My dad and I didn't live together after I was 12, and after I was 13 1/2, we didn't live in the same state. I'd go and visit in the summers, but it just wasn't the same.

As an adult, we lived 6 hours away from each other, & family reunion was 8-9 hours away.

My dad was a hard worker, and rarely took time off from work and often worked long hours, but the family reunion week and deer/antelope/elk hunts were something he loved to and would take time off for.

As for me, I tease that I am a hobbit, of which you all know by now; I really don't like to leave the "Shire". I like to stay close to home, it's true! I regret that I didn't go visit him more often, even though my reasoning was always sound: I never buy new vehicles (I am cheap) and the ones I have are fine for the few hours I typically drive, but driving them across the prairie and mountains where there is spotty cell service these days, and no cell service in the past, made and still makes me very uncomfortable.

We talked on the phone about once a month, sometimes more and sometimes less, and we always closed with I love yous, because we really did love each other, but I never felt like we were truly close.

These past two months have made me wish I would have taken more time and spent the extra money when I could to go visit more often. It had been 8 years since we'd seen each other when I visited in July. His eyesight and mobility wasn't as good as it had once been, and he quit driving to Utah after my brother Bill's funeral.

I was glad that he got rides to go to Texas to see my brother and sister, who both live there, but I wished he could have gotten to Utah to see my sister and me. Though, as he said, the road goes both ways, which is true.

Sh*t happens/Joy anyway is my life motto, and I've been living into it deeply in the past two months. When my brother asked how we are all doing with the passing of our dad, I just said that I need therapy, which is 100% spot on true. Saying that I am FINE is also true (FINE: freaked out - insecure - neurotic - and emotional).

The death of a parent always dredges up all of the emotions and all of the memories; some are great, and some are less than great.

I am so grateful that I could visit in July and see my dad before he passed, and I am so grateful to reconnect with siblings and step-siblings. I hope to continue and deepen those relationships. I loved seeing aunts and uncles and the many cousins these past few days. Love to you all!

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And to Dad -- I will miss you. I wish I would have visited more. I am grateful for the last words you spoke on the phone to me: "I love you. I have always loved you. Don't ever forget that." and I say the same things back: I love you. I have always loved you. Please always remember. Love, Mel A.K.A tuney / bug/ darlin'/ honey.

Here's the song that reminds me most of my dad. You can listen to it on youtube if you'd like: "I Love" by Tom T Hall - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COgEh1u11Yw

Puppy Woes - boxes and pee pads

 I have been having to rethink the boxes I use for the puppies' bed, play area, and potty area. Also rethinking disposable potty pads, which have been SO GREAT (though I think I've been single-handedly destroying the environment!) I could keep the puppies clean and dry by changing the puppy pads super often. So nice!

Let's talk boxes first:

I started with one box when they were first born, which makes sense because one was enough - they just slept and peed where they were.

Then their eyes opened, so I started using a second box - one for my bedroom for them to sleep at night and one in the dining room for them to play in during the day.

Then they started walking and then running and needed more room, so I created a third box for just playing in with toys. The third box was a lot longer, so it became the play box and the second box didn't get much use.

Then, they learned to get over the side of the play box, so I brought back in the sleeping box that had 2 "doorways" so that Maggie could go in, but the babies didn't really leave the box even though they could. The second box became the transition box for Maggie and a potty station for the babies - I (mostly) trained them to not pee in the toybox.

Then the sleeping box became to small, so the second box became the transition box and I cut down the wall a little so that Maggie could still get in and out and the original door was turned toward the toybox door.

Enter another problem: The disposable pee pads. The puppies started tearing up just for fun. Then they started chewing on the torn up pee pads, and I worry that they were swallowing some of the torn up pee pads, too.

So disposable pee pads are now out (I'm in mourning), and washable pee pads are needed - but amazon is taking THREE DAYS to ship them! (the world of instant food and overnight shipping has really spoiled me!) I do have 4 pee pads, but 4 is simply not enough, so in the meanwhile I'm using the washable pee pads that I do have along with towels.

I'm thinking of getting rubber backed rugs to put the washable pee pads on in the play box, the sleeping box, and the transitional box / potty box so that the wet doesn't soak through onto the carpeted floors. (Update, I bought some rubber backed rugs and they are on the bottom of all 3 boxes with some "scatter rugs" and washable pee pads & towels on top. I'll let you know how it goes.)

I was taking to Steve about all of this and I said, "I wish I could have worked backwards so that I knew what I'd really need and save money by not buying things we won't use. But, you can't know what you don't know. I'm going to post a blog post to help along the next person" (hopefully the next person will not somehow be me again!)

"Nah," he said, "just write, 'You can't know what you don't know', it'll be unhelpful and yet make you seem wise.'"

Here are the boxes: Box #1 - the babies' bed when they were first born:

Box #2 - the box used in the dining room so that the babies could be close by us during the day:

Box #3 - the toybox with one of other boxes butted up door opening to door opening:

Hopefully the rubber backed rugs will work to keep any wetness from leaking and that I can keep up with the washable pee pad laundry AND that the puppies potty train easily and soon!

Here is what the set up looks like now until I get more washable potty pads -

Their bed in my bedroom - the 2nd door has been raised up so they can't get out and the box that you'll see in the next photo sits at the end of this box too, so Maggie can get in and out as she pleases:

The boxes in the dining room for play during the day - The toy box is the furthest away, that middle box is the transition box. For now, I put down a disposable potty pad after their naps so that they can potty right away, then I remove it so that they don't consume it. No accidents yet, but this is a new set up. The closed up box is just for Maggie to use to jump into the box with the puppies.

♥ Melody