In the Stars . . .

This post feels heavy to me, but let me lie down on your sofa for a moment - 

My dad's death has felt so differently than my mom that I've felt like I'm grieving all wrong . . . 

My relationship with my dad was a long-distance relationship since the age of 13 when my mom and I moved 6 hours away from my dad. I saw him in the summers when he'd pick me up and take me to his house where he lived with his new family. He'd take a week off of work so we could go to family reunion, but to really spend undivided time together, we didn't, so songs like "Daddy's Hands" by the Judds and other "daddy" songs didn't really bring on a visceral response because it just wasn't our relationship.

"I Love" by  Tom T Hall is the song that I always listened to that reminded me of my dad's soft side, and "I Don't Need Your Rocking Chair" by George Jones reminded me of my dad's spunky nature. I listened to both of those after my dad passed and got a tear in my eye . . . 

But before this past Saturday, (Nov. 16th) I hadn't had a moment where the thought of his dying took the breath out of me. Saturday was our family's Thanksgiving celebration, and my daughter had the grandkids sing, "In the Stars" by Benson Boone because their voices are beautiful and they'd all sung it in her car when it came on the radio and she wanted to have us all hear. While they were singing, I had to leave the dining room - I went to the kitchen and remind myself to breathe. After everyone was gone, I played the song again and the tears flowed. 

Regarding the passing of my dad -

 

Being the baby of one family and the middle child of another is an interesting place to be.

My dad and I didn't live together after I was 12, and after I was 13 1/2, we didn't live in the same state. I'd go and visit in the summers, but it just wasn't the same.

As an adult, we lived 6 hours away from each other, & family reunion was 8-9 hours away.

My dad was a hard worker, and rarely took time off from work and often worked long hours, but the family reunion week and deer/antelope/elk hunts were something he loved to and would take time off for.

As for me, I tease that I am a hobbit, of which you all know by now; I really don't like to leave the "Shire". I like to stay close to home, it's true! I regret that I didn't go visit him more often, even though my reasoning was always sound: I never buy new vehicles (I am cheap) and the ones I have are fine for the few hours I typically drive, but driving them across the prairie and mountains where there is spotty cell service these days, and no cell service in the past, made and still makes me very uncomfortable.

We talked on the phone about once a month, sometimes more and sometimes less, and we always closed with I love yous, because we really did love each other, but I never felt like we were truly close.

These past two months have made me wish I would have taken more time and spent the extra money when I could to go visit more often. It had been 8 years since we'd seen each other when I visited in July. His eyesight and mobility wasn't as good as it had once been, and he quit driving to Utah after my brother Bill's funeral.

I was glad that he got rides to go to Texas to see my brother and sister, who both live there, but I wished he could have gotten to Utah to see my sister and me. Though, as he said, the road goes both ways, which is true.

Sh*t happens/Joy anyway is my life motto, and I've been living into it deeply in the past two months. When my brother asked how we are all doing with the passing of our dad, I just said that I need therapy, which is 100% spot on true. Saying that I am FINE is also true (FINE: freaked out - insecure - neurotic - and emotional).

The death of a parent always dredges up all of the emotions and all of the memories; some are great, and some are less than great.

I am so grateful that I could visit in July and see my dad before he passed, and I am so grateful to reconnect with siblings and step-siblings. I hope to continue and deepen those relationships. I loved seeing aunts and uncles and the many cousins these past few days. Love to you all!

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And to Dad -- I will miss you. I wish I would have visited more. I am grateful for the last words you spoke on the phone to me: "I love you. I have always loved you. Don't ever forget that." and I say the same things back: I love you. I have always loved you. Please always remember. Love, Mel A.K.A tuney / bug/ darlin'/ honey.

Here's the song that reminds me most of my dad. You can listen to it on youtube if you'd like: "I Love" by Tom T Hall - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COgEh1u11Yw