Thursday, October 17, 2013

ill will::October 17

"Our computer and my camera and perhaps my stubborn will all died or became ill a few months ago." I read this words on all buttoned up today, and I felt a connection. An affirmation. I have been there, and am currently residing there, too.

I thought it was just a problem I had had, but then I've heard similar experiences by many others after hard things just keep hitting and hitting and hitting so relentlessly.

I am, well, mostly *was* strong willed. I am a fighter. I am an advocate. I am a rooter-for-the-underdog. I try to be the difference I'd like to see.

But all of that is tiring, energy sucking work.

When my mom was in the nursing home, I had many battles to fight for her: wrong meds, them wanting her to drive her Jazzy wheelchair about 5 blocks to and from dialysis on a bitterly cold January morning at 8:30 - you know, the kind of days that freeze your buggers and hurts to breath it... later on, they took her wheelchair because she was avoiding hitting people and damaged a refrigerator by running into it - she was never the same after the fall she took when the CNA's "gently fell" with her, as I was told protocol was; her retort was, "Gently fell, my ass! They all fell on top of me!" and her osteoparosis-brittle spine fractured yet again, leaving her to never walk or stand again.

Nursing homes suck.

I encouraged her to leave that nursing home before the wheelchair was taken away, but since it was close by her kids, she opted to stay. She was later "encouraged" by the nursing home to move, because she didn't trust that they had her best interest in mind. Trust, my ass! They were horrific.

And I had dealt with them because they don't listen to the inmates patients.

When she moved nursing homes, I told her my fight was gone.

When Emily's art teacher told her that she held no promise and should transfer, I told the counselor about it, but I didn't fight the teacher. My fight was gone.

It returns every once in a while in an unexpected fashion, but I, more often than not, take the path of least resistance.

My computer and my camera are fine, but my stubborn will has become ill too.

I hope it gets well soon.

You may send balloons or flowers if you like. ;)

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